Gina and Beth are nice women. Interesting that nice for Gina means avoiding confrontation. Seems like a smart choice -- keeps you from getting into arguments with people who enjoy that sort of thing.

But the nice bit? I did that for years and years. I went out of my way to be polite and not step on toes. But somewhere in my late thirties... something happened. Suddenly I WAS INVISIBLE. Utterly, completely, totally Not Registering on the radar. I could step on toes and no one seemed to notice.  Chubby white middle aged women must give off invisibility vibes. Actually this might be just a time of life thing. I've mentioned this to other middle aged women and even my friend L (who's 40 and gorgeous) has said she's noticed it too. About herself, I mean.  On good days I think maybe we simply register as safe on most people's detectors and therefore not worth paying close attention to.  In the animal brain we pay attention to potential threats and sex, right?  Once a fellow human doesn't fall in either category, then they're a blip on the screen. I might have made that up, but seems right.

Remember Ralph Ellison's the Invisible Man? Sure you do. You had to read it in high school right? Anyway, the only scene I can recall is when he's on a crowded bus and he's mashed up against a white woman and she just stares ahead. I recall he reacted with outrage and grief at not being seen as an individual. That made sense in the larger context.  

In my world, it's just a fact. I mourned for a bit when I realized I'd lost my mojo. But then I figured hey, there must be an advantage to this somewhere, right? 

Sure!

Younger people will talk about the strangest things in front of me. Most people my age and older talk to me without an undercurrent of tension--or actually checking to see if I'm paying attention.

My favorite advantage to being invisible is how freeing it truly is. I could start speaking my mind. No one was listening, so it was fine. Except every now and then someone pays attention and...Oops. I was probably just blathering, okay?  I'm not always visible to myself.  

 

I don't go out of my way to be polite, it's just how I'm built. Or how my mom raised me, I guess. ;) Whatever. I'm stuck with it. I'm over forty, and the 'nice' factor has yet to wear off, I'm happy to say. Don't get me wrong, I'm more cynical than I used to be, and I speak out more often when pushed. My mother-in-law told me that would happen. LOL About ten years ago, we were standing in a long line and someone was rude to her and she gave it right back. I would have ignored the idiot. She told me, "When you get older, you'll speak out more when treated badly. The older you get, the less you care what people think." Well, that sort of happened. Ten years ago I wouldn't have written and posted that article at RTB for fear of what the responding posts might be. I, like Gina, do not enjoy confrontation. could see where the Nice-Girl topic wouldn't be a very popular post. However, now that I'm older, it's not that I don't care what people think, it's that I'm confident enough to hold my own with people who don't agree with my viewpoint.

Uh, did I go off topic here, Kate? LOL As for being midle-aged and invisible, I struggle with that everyday. In addition to being a writer, I'm a professional performer, and, in the entertainment biz these days, the-powers-that-be pretty much ignore those over 35. Don't get me started.

I've had it with nice.

This topic goes right under my skin--beware the rant below.

I do at all times try to be polite and respectful, but I'm not nice. I have a fairly public life, in that I am a publicly elected member of the school board in a very small town. We're out of money and everyone's testy after years of fighting over the last little bit of the pie. But what burns me up are the folks who want everyone to agree with them, their points of view, their plans, who constantly whine, "Why is everyone so divisive?" and "Can't we all just get along?" No. Because I don't agree with you.

I'm in the minority on the school board, and there's a lot of ink wasted on the importance of "consensus," which the citizens (dare I even say, uneducated citizens?) in this town think means "unanimity." I'm in the minority, you win the vote anyway; why am I being blasted for sticking to my view of what's right?

So I am not nice, and I am told so every time I read my mail or the paper. I am divisive, "treasonous" (my favorite--who made the school district into a city-state?), naysayer, and elitist. (The last came about because I stated in a board meeting that I wanted a higher percentage of High School graduates to attend a four year college. Oooh. I AM a bad person.) Nice is about smiling and pretending to agree with someone because you don't want to deal with the confrontation after you state your opinion. Nice is about looking coyly down at your left shoulder rather than looking someone straight in the face. Nice is about being a "good girl."

Back to the "stealth" topic at hand:

I love being able to be invisible now--it's so much easier to observe the world. In a way, it's kind of like being the very small child hidden under the table at the tea party. You can lie on your back and listen to it all flow over you.

Wow, Shirin. I don't agree with your definition of nice. Not one bit. And were we in the same room I (who does not like confrontation) would look you straight in the face and tell you that. My stomach would probably cramp (sort of like it is now), but I would speak up, honestly, not coyly. I'm sorry, but your generalization is very insulting.

sounds like a matter of semantics. How about if we call someone amiable? (even though it's been used in my rejection letters) That's a far less loaded word and feels like it has less of a history of being used against girls. Amiable sounds more like a personality than striving hard to appear a way you're not.

Nice girls don't get mad. (No matter how furious they are inside)
Amiable girls are hard to stir. (and when they get angry, they know how to remain civil. To a point. Usually)

And Beth, it sounds to me like Shirin isn't aiming " nice" as a weapon at us, I think it's being used as a weapon against her.

Very good point(s), Kate. Upfront, my sincere apologies to Shirin if I misinterrupted her words. I guess I got 'stirred'. LOL

As for the word 'amiable' (which I do like)--it was used in rejection letters??

Yup. http://mkate.bravejournal.com/entry/4218

Wow. I feel a rambling coming on because I can totally see this too because I've experienced it. The whole invisible thing has happened to me too, and it is one thing I hate. I'm the one person all my friends go to when they are upset, but if everything is fine and dandy I tend to be ignored. Not so much lately, but in the past that has happened a lot. For me, the song was Chicago's, Mr. Cellophane.

I guess in the last couple of months I've been trying to find the proper balance where I don't lose the person I am, but I'm no longer as invisible. Because honestly who wants to be invisible?

I really like your definition of amiable too because it really fits me. It takes a lot to stir me up, but if you do I tend to explode like a tea kettle that's hot. It just does take a lot to get to me to that point. Usually I feel bad afterwards too.

It's taking me a while to get used to being invisible. I guess it must happen to all women who reach a 'certain' age. It's very strange, but like you said freeing. I think I may have to blog about it. ;-)

Gina, when you become invisible to the rest of the world, you can make the job of your identity your own. Much better than looking around for someone else's definition of you.

Can you see me??!! My invisible shield seems to be in perfect working order!

Hey Beth,

Didn't mean to freak you out--I'm usually a fairly calm person! Unfortunately I think I'm at the point where I see the word "nice" in print and a bomb goes off behind my eyes.

My sincere apologies. Really.

What I meant to say before I became totally unhinged was that I am sick of the expectation of "nice." As in: Isn't she a nice girl? So sweet and pretty too. Isn't she nice for not insisting on disagreeing with our politics.

One aspect of invisibility which I have found to be oh so cool is discovering that after a while people you meet don't know your entire history. (Well, it helps to move far away from your family at some point in your life.) Friends I meet now haven't known me since first grade--I can not only define myself for myself, but also in their eyes.

And it can also be surprising. I was talking to a friend last week and I realized that she had no idea how I had chosen to rebel against my parents in the 1980s. There's a lot of power in being able to decide what parts of your identity you will reveal, and quite a bit of glee if you decide to continue the conversation with: "Well, in 1989 I really wasn't paying attention to pop culture because when you're working for a circus you just don't pay attention to radio or TV that much."

my new journal address is nanza63.bravejournal.com if you get the whim to reinstate me on your friends list.....sorry i missed your contest......sounds like a ~*~WILD ONE~*~!!!!!.......nanza

Waving to Shirin (Sorry to use you as a go-between, Kate LOL) Shirin, I was hoping you'd post again, so that you'd hopefully see my apology to you a few posts up. I wanted to email you personally, but you're not linked. I totally over reacted. I don't know what happened. I'm ALWAYS calm. LOL I had what Gina described as a 'tea kettle' moment. I'm so embarassed. Anyway, it was good to read your follow up. I absolutely get your point now. Raising my cup of green tea to you in support. *clink*

No problem Beth!
And I'll remember to add my email.
Funny, because I thought I had been too bitchy originally. So, there you go.

Off to do battle for truth, justice, and the american wage...

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